Tainted Memories | Restored Joys

“You dropped the ball as a wife…”

“I want a divorce and there’s nothing you can do to change my mind…”

“I care about you, but I don’t love you anymore…”

“Whatever you think is reality is not reality, it’s a conjuring up of irrational thoughts in your mind, what’s reality is my reality…”

As my 7-month old baby boy slept in the bedroom we shared in our apartment, I sat in my closet with my head swirling, trying to make sense of these messages spoken to me just a few months prior from my husband at the time.

What happened to the man who would set our differences aside and give me the longest hug?

The man who backed me, supported me and believed in me in moments when I was so unsure about myself?

The man who encouraged me in faith and in the Lord, who led us spiritually?

The man that helped me let my guards down and be unapologetically who God created me to be?

The man who I had countless laughs and adventures with?

What happened to the man I deeply looked up to and admired?

Laying on my back in my closet these questions flashed through my mind,

‘How do I view all my good memories with him now? Was it ever genuine? Maybe he was just using me till I served him no purpose anymore? Was this his plan all along…get a kid out of me and then kick me to the curb? Maybe I really did drop the ball? In becoming a mom did I really just absolutely fail as a wife? Was I too boring? Maybe he never felt as deeply as I did for him and I’ve just been a fool this whole time to trust him? Was I just used?’

Every good memory with him felt tainted with every hurtful word amidst other unexpected forms of mistreatment that left me feeling like my mere existence was a problem to him.

‘God, what happens to these good memories I have with someone who devalues me with their words, lies, actions, and inaction!?!’

I was angry, hurt and at a loss. On the one hand I felt like I was betraying myself, or that I’m just okay with what he’s done to me if I continued to cherish the good memories. On the other hand I didn’t want to let go of the good that I experienced in him. I didn’t want to lose the part of me that wants to continue to see and believe in the existence of the good parts in any person. But I was also afraid keeping that part of me would mean not sticking up for myself.

I wanted both, to still cherish what were some of my favorite memories, while not compromising my own self-respect.

It may feel unpopular to some, this idea of still cherishing good memories with an ex-spouse or anyone who you were once close with that deeply hurt you. There can be this idea that anyone treated the way I was, should just forget about him, discard all the memories, and repeat the mantra, ‘you didn’t need him anyway.’

I was in a pickle…if I chose to reject the good memories, I felt controlled by the residue of pain his hurtful actions left me with, while a part of me was deceived feeling that if I forgave and kept the good memories I would still be controlled by his hurtful actions; I thought there’d be no justice, no retribution.

Also in giving up the good memories I felt like I was in a way, gaslighting myself that I never truly experienced anything good with him, even though the reality was that I did. The truth is, I experienced a lot of good with him in the past. I was sick of being gaslit and I did not want to be my own perpetrator in gaslighting myself too. I won’t go deep into the topic of forgiveness in this blog, but in this season I truly experienced the freedom forgiveness brings not only from the hurt caused by others but from the possibility of being my own perpetrator of gaslighting myself.

I’ve never wanted the pain I feel related to others choices to steal who I really wanted to be.

This goes back to the first time I experienced betrayal. After I was cheated on in my first ever 'dating' relationship in college (unfortunately, yes, this was not my first encounter with someone cheating) before my husband, I got a decorative sign that says ‘Be Wise - Be Kind - Be True.’ It was my symbol that I never wanted the sting of betrayal to permanently steal the wisdom God gives me, a kind heart, and remaining honest and close to the truth of God’s word. I never wanted someone’s choices to change who I want to be. In this season I was determined by the grace of God to continue in that path, that the enemy would not have the opportunity to steal a kind heart from me, an honest character, and my relationship with God that sustains all of who I want to be according to His loving will and identity for me. But I still felt at a crossroads.

I quickly discovered that these good memories were not going to just disappear to resolve my internal turmoil and God challenged me, ‘Elizabeth, do you want to be tied to him in these memories with bitterness that only hurts you, not him? Bitterness that will sink you, not him? Or do you want to be tied to him in these memories with a heart of forgiveness that releases you from carrying the weight and burden of his actions? Forgiveness that frees you from his sin? Will you entrust me to deliver your vindication?’

The more I chose to forgive…and yes many days it was a choice, not based on a compassionate feeling…I found myself still thinking fondly about the good times. Forgiveness opened the doors for God to heal and restore to me the joy of those beautiful memories. I could also continue to set my necessary boundaries with the current state my husband at the time was in, acknowledge my wounds, and feel blessed to have experienced (in the healthy years of our marriage) the parts of him that loved God and loved me. I believe those parts of him were genuine, but I also know none of us are exempt from falling away if we ignore the conviction of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. One compromise after another and any one of us could be in the same position.

Forgiveness by God’s grace restored to me the good memories with my spouse. I don’t look on them with regret, I don’t feel like I’m betraying myself, I know now that In those good years I did not accumulate actions to cause him to cheat and mistreat me, I did not drop the ball as a wife to cause him to leave. And because of all this knowledge I know I got to experience a beautiful version of my husband and I can separate myself from the reasons why he ‘turned.’ I’m forever grateful I got to experience those parts of him that I pray God restores and heals. I was blessed by him in those years and I refuse to let the enemy steal that joy from me and replace it with a bitter root.

Ultimately God loves him too.

I decided I would rather be tied to someone in thought with a heart of hope and love that frees me from their hurtful actions, than be tied to them with a heart of bitterness that only holds me down and keeps me from healing. This process isn’t perfect and I have my days still that can be hard and it’s been two and a half years! But I can say that in the joy of my memories being restored, I don’t feel like the fool in the situation and my heart feels so much freer and hopeful. I can fully embrace the parts of me that can still hurt from time to time and I can fully embrace the parts of me that love the memories and beautiful lessons and love I experienced with him for a time. Walking in the love of the Lord and choosing a path of forgiveness hasn’t made me a doormat or subservient to him, it made me free to embrace, value and love myself fully, because God does.

Why do I share all of this? What I share is to not condemn my ex-husband by any means. My hope is that my honesty and transparency can give hope to other women who have had similar devastation continue to put their trust in God in a season where it's so common to have so many doubts and questions for and about God.

Do I share all of this to expect you have to have good memories with your ex? No, because I understand that for some of you, the ‘good’ you may have experienced was in the context of an abuse cycle, which makes those moments of good, really not genuinely good at all because it was purposefully enacted to rope you back in, TO be abused again. In that context, Those ‘good’ moments are abusive. In my situation, my marriage was great for the majority of it, but once I accepted that my situation did start to involve abusive actions towards me, I knew I needed to physically leave.

I share this to encourage that if you do have genuine good memories with someone, you don’t have to forsake them and in turn reject a part of yourself that still actually cherishes those genuine moments. Healing doesn’t mean you have to excommunicate everything about the person and what they brought into your life.

Forgiveness with the help of Christ, can lead you down a path of true autonomy and stepping into the authority and identity of who Christ made you.

Whether you keep those good memories or not does not need to be dictated by how someone else chose to live their life instead.

What memories you keep or let go, let that be determined by the beautiful healing God brings to your life in this journey, NOT by the pain incurred by the one who was reckless towards you.

“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”

Psalm 147:3

As you draw near to God and let Him heal you, He will help you sort through your memories and give you a healthy and healed view of them. The Holy Spirit will guide you personally in your situation on what boundaries you need to have in place to heal. It is possible, because God has done it for me and continues to. When God leads you to choose forgiveness, don’t underestimate just how powerful that is going to be for your healing. Step into it.

Until next time, I love you all!