Mourning & Rejoicing | Miscarriage & Pregnancy

I waited nervously in the doctors office, swinging my feet back and forth as I sat on the patient bed.

I was excited, anxious, grieving and feeling guilty for feeling all of the above. This was my 11-week appointment, and while there was no ultrasound, I knew I would still get the chance to hear my baby's heart beat.

I held both so much excitement for this day, while also so much grief because this wasn't my first pregnancy. I had a missed miscarriage at 11-weeks in my first pregnancy and the day of this appointment...well it would have been my first baby's due date. My heart was holding the grief, recognizing that this was the day I was suppose to meet my first baby, while also holding the excitement, nervousness and hope that this would also be the day to confirm that my second baby was healthy with a strong heart beat at 11-weeks. I was praying hard the outcome at this appointment would not be a repeat of my last experience at 11-weeks.

The doctor finally came in, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting. My nerves had continued to grow. The doctor pulled out the fetal doppler and the search began for where my lil' bean was deciding the nest for the moment. I grew nervous as I couldn't here anything for a moment and fear began to sink in...ABRUPTLY a loud 'thud-thud---thud-thud' started coming through! Relief washed over me, my second baby is strong and healthy at 11-weeks! I never felt that kind of relief before.

Walking to my car I felt so excited, so much happiness. I could call my husband and report the good news! I opened my car door and sat in the drivers seat, set my phone down and watched my phone light up from a message and the date on my phone looked right into my heart.

In an instant my heart sank...I was grieving the loss of my first baby who I would have met today.

The degrading thought came to mind, 'You are a horrible mother, in your rejoicing you abandon the memory of your first child, and in your grieving you abandon cherishing the current presence of your second child.' Now I know this thought was from the enemy, but in that moment the caring part of myself was so overwhelmed with guilt, because I felt like to cherish either of my babies in the way that was appropriate for each, would mean betraying them. It felt wrong to mourn when I SHOULD rejoice in the life of my current baby, and it felt wrong to rejoice when I SHOULD be mourning the beautiful life I lost.

'How can I be so callous and rejoice when I'm grieving someone so precious, and how can I be so negligent and grieve when I'm rejoicing over this precious gift of life?' I felt awful and so stuck as a mom.

The whole drive home the parts of me that wanted to rejoice and wanted to mourn were at odds, fighting for center stage.

I pulled into the driveway, turned down my music and parked the car. My husband wasn't home yet so I sat for a moment feeling paralyzed from the emotional battle going on inside. In my emotional paralysis, the Holy Spirit gently spoke, "Remember the words I gave you a few months ago in Romans 12:15? 'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.' Then, I was calling you to be honest with your grief within your church community so they could mourn with you, and so that you could continue to rejoice with the families who were expecting babies as well."

***As a backdrop, during my first pregnancy, several other families within the church we attended also became pregnant around the same time. This news spontaneously was shared unexpectedly at a small group. It was so exciting and so fun to instantly have a community of moms going through it together. I wasn't alone in this pregnancy thing anymore!

Unfortunately, a few days after this small group meeting I found out I lost the baby. I found myself in this space afraid that my grief would take away the excitement of every one else's pregnancy journey. It felt like it was an impossible situation, how can you possibly blend the grief of losing a child and rejoicing with other moms in their excitement for their babies to be born? How do I remain honest about my grief, while also walking in the excitement of these other women? How do I even go about inviting others into my grief journey, without feeling like I would be a burden to them? I wanted no one to disguise their excitement from me, I wanted to be treated no differently, I worried my grief would take the focus off their special season....but I found myself isolated with my grief.

One Saturday night I shared with my husband this struggle I was having and he encouraged me that I just needed to share it with them and be honest. I pondered his encouragement and later that evening I told God 'if I am suppose to share this with my church family, tomorrow morning you're gonna have to make me not okay (my definition of that is not being able to hold it emotionally together since that is a core strength of mine when I don't want to let others into my pain).'

Sure enough the next Sunday morning during worship team rehearsal I was NOT okay. I could not keep it together and I knew God had torn down my emotional walls to let the body of believers in to support me when a big part of me felt like I would be raining on their celebrations of pregnancy if I let them see my pain. Up to this point, everyone knew I had miscarriage, but I hadn't personally reached out to share my emotional pain with anyone.

As I type this, tears of gratitude come to my eyes recalling the blessing this profound moment had on my life, because God walked me right into what it meant to live out and be blessed with a community of believers who can live out Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." There are no requirements in this verse saying you can't be mourning in order to rejoice with others or vice versa. No, the call is to just meet others where they are at by the grace of God, in the capacity that you can, to support them in their season of rejoicing or mourning.

I was blessed with a church where those rejoicing, could step into my grief with me, which gave me also so much more strength and capacity to step into their season of rejoicing with them***

To bring this back around, God had taught me what it tangibly feels like to be in a community of believers who can live out Romans 12:15, a community that gives compassionate room for both the rejoicing and the mourning. That those mourning can walk with the rejoicing and the rejoicing with the mourning.

Now back to me parked in the driveway in my emotional paralysis. The Holy Spirit gently nudged, "Apply this same truth to you. Your grief is healthy and shows your love for your child, your rejoicing is healthy and shows your love for your child. Just like how your church community gives space for those mourning doesn't mean they are discarding the people who are rejoicing, and vice versa, so view it that way for yourself. If a part of you needs to grieve, let it grieve. If a part of you needs to rejoice, let it rejoice. It's not bad. Both parts place incredible value on your children, which makes you a GOOD MOM. Let that part of you that grieves rejoice with the part of you that rejoices, and let the part of you that rejoices grieve with the part of you that grieves. Bring these parts of you to me unhindered, because I love these parts of you. Take Romans 12:15 and let it not only shape how you interact with other people, but also with how you interact with yourself."

Wow, the guilt I had been feeling just vanished. I felt free to feel my grief as it organically surfaced and free to feel my excitement. It's amazing how when living out some of the deepest pain, the freedom that God's word brings provides something so special to get through it all. It's hard to even put words to. It's a peace that makes absolutely no sense. Feeling peace and pain simultaneously seems outlandish, but with Christ it is possible.

Maybe you find yourself in the throws of just feeling stuck. Like inside you are feeling such polarizing feelings and it's hard to give any space for either. I would encourage you to spend time with the Lord with each part of yourself. Give yourself time to get to know God more deeply as you see Him interact with that part of you in a way that is so special and unique to the needs of that part of you. Let each part of you gain a deeper sense of intimacy with the Lord. God desires to bring truth to your inner most parts (Psalm 51:6).

Remember that your ability to live out Romans 12:15 within a community and within yourself is by the grace of God, not in your own strength. In the season I described above, there is no way I would have been able to genuinely rejoice to the extent I was able to with other pregnant women during my own loss, if it weren't for the grace of God.

He wants your heart. He wants you to lay your pain out on the table for him, lay your excitements and dreams out on the table for Him. He wants to walk with you and bless you with life in abundance. Give Him room so He can begin creating healing space for the parts of you, that you may have intentionally or unintentionally boxed away. He wants to bring you life.

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