One Best Friend & A Toilet | Keeping Eternity in Focus When Fear Devours

5:30 AM and the light shining inside of my bedroom bathroom reflected off of the window containing the pitch black from the frigid outdoors. My body felt like hell at that moment, nauseated and wrecked with anxiety. I called my best friend knowing she would answer. As we talked, I warred between trying to get my makeup on while the tears fell, stumbling over my anxious words, and feeling the dreaded inevitable; the toilet becoming my source of solace as my body was trying to literally purge my angst.

I poured out to my dear sister my fears, my heartbreak around my husband's infidelity, the mistreatment I experienced, the callous ways the other woman treated me, and the unknown for what would happen next going into divorce. She heard this all before, but my friend was patient and loving as I 'redressed' my wound; my bleeding heart.

The nerves that wrecked my body the most related with everything I could not control, which related with the life that laid ahead for my newborn son. I began to realize that my ability to keep him safe would end the moment I would have to give him over to my husband for his visitation time. At this point in my journey I had no trust in my husband's judgement in people anymore. I had no trust in his judgement of what 'safe' meant anymore. Who would he decide to bring our son around that I wouldn't be able to protect my son from if needed? My mind began to flicker back to a memory.

**It was the cool of September. My husband asked me earlier that week if I would like to join him at a coworkers house for dinner. I was so excited. We hadn't had time together in ages it felt like, because of his 'extended' work hours. To get to do something fun with my husband felt like a drop of cold water to my soul. The invite from him alone gave me reassurance that he wanted me, that he hadn't forgotten me. That he still enjoyed my companionship.

He kindly introduced me to his coworkers. Most of whom I had heard of except for this one woman. In my gut I thought it strange that I had known nothing about this woman, but figured there are so many employees that they probably didn't overlap much. The night went on and after a considerable amount of time of not seeing this woman anywhere, she decided to join my husband and I, and others at the table. My husband barely spoke as me and her talked about family and mother hood. She vented about her husband and how he couldn't make it to the dinner.

While making a quick glance at my husband, she expressed her curiosity as to whether there were any good men left in the world. Strike one, my stomach turned.

But I continued to give the benefit of the doubt that even if she was interested, my husband's silence had to be his expressed annoyance towards her.

Our conversation continued and we traded birth stories, "I would love to have a newborn without giving birth to one" she shared confidently. Strike two, my stomach turned.

But I continued to give the benefit of the doubt that her remark was just innocent. After all she is a mom too, certainly she wouldn't mean anything malicious by that.

The night went on and I was getting tired. I was surprised my husband was staying up this late, since lately he couldn't do that for me when I'd need him. Then she got up and said she needed to head home. Immediately, my husband expressed that we needed to leave too. Strike three, my stomach turned.

But I continued to give the benefit of the doubt.**

Thinking back on this memory ignited FEAR. Now knowing they had been having an affair at that point gave a whole new experience to those words "I wish I could have a newborn without giving birth to it." How did I know that she wouldn't try to take my son? She already was willing to take my husband. She had left me a threatening voicemail after the beans spilled about their affair. What else could this woman be capable of? What else would my husband not be able to say 'NO' to. I was scared for my son.

My friend created space for all of this, and for the momentary pauses when, yes, the toilet became the inevitable source of solace as my stomach tried to unburden me from the torture of persistent nausea.

What she spoke next stuck with me, "Elizabeth, this is all awful, it's horrible what you are going through AND You need to remember to keep Eternity on the forefront."

She is my best friend for a reason. Her gentle response, but ability to anchor me in truth. With her refocus it helped me get out of the mess of my circumstances and look at the picture of my whole life. She helped me remember the race I'm running. This is but a season, life is but a breath and my eternal hope rests in a living Savior. In whom, on the other side of this life, there will be no more weeping and no more pain. On this side of eternity, because of the grace of God and Christ's work on the cross, I get to live in the love, joy and freedom found in that eternal destination, no matter what happens in this life. Others choices don't dictate that for me. Jesus Christ does, and fortunately He is a merciful and gracious GOOD, GOOD God who is "...compassionate and gracious....abounding in love." Psalm 103:8.

KEEP ETERNITY ON THE FOREFRONT

This one statement kindled the desire to forgive, intercede in prayer for others, and believe no one is ever too far gone to receive the love of God and be renewed in heart, soul and mind.

This one statement kindled the desire to be free from my own chains of fear, self-righteousness, insecurity and bitterness. It kindled a new found endurance knowing that the pain felt on this side of eternity is but a breath.

This one statement gave me a fresh perspective that the way I choose to walk this out not only impacts myself, but others around me and potentially their view of eternity. By God's grace, this season was not going to be dictated by the lies of Satan, but instead, gently led by God's truth.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

If you find yourself consumed by your current pain and circumstances, I want to encourage you.

KEEP RUNNING YOUR RACE

BY

KEEPING ETERNITY ON THE FOREFRONT

Others decisions, your past regrets and your circumstances don't dictate who you are, who you are becoming or what will happen next in your life. A good and loving God defines you, builds you up, and has “...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I want to share one last nugget...as I began to keep eternity with Christ on the forefront, something blew my mind. In Hebrews 12:2 where it says, "...For the joy set before Him he endured the cross..." The joy is YOU and ME. Let that sink in. WE were Christ's focus that caused Him to endure the suffering on the cross. WOW, for Christ, thinking about having eternity with US led Him to endure. God's word encourages us to keep our eyes fixed on Him, to be eternally minded. Christ was also eternally minded in His suffering and the joy that got Him through that suffering was US. Let that sink in. Keeping our focus on eternity is only possible because Christ kept His loving gaze on us as He bridged the gap between us and God through His death and resurrection.

YOU ARE CHRIST'S JOY